People who are abusive frequently show characteristics that may increase the potential for physical violence in a relationship. They are commonly known as red flags:
1. Jealousy: At the beginning the abuser may say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love, it is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser may question about who she/he talks to, accuses her/him of flirting. Is jealous of time spent with family, friends and children. Call and drop by frequently during the day to check up on you.
2. Controlling Behavior: The abuser may question why their significant other is late coming home from work, from the store and any other outing, may question who you have talked to, who you saw. May force you to request permission to leave the house. Controls the finances, will not allow you to make personal decisions about clothing, how you wear your hair, etc.
3. Quick Involvement: Many abused victims know their abuser for less than 6 months before they get married, engaged or live together. He/She comes in like a whirlwind, claiming things such as "you are the only person I can ever talk to" or "I have never felt love like this before". The abuser may pressure the other to commit to the relationship before she/he is ready.
4. Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs. Perfect wife/husband, mother/father, lover, friend. You might hear: "if you love me, I am all you need".
5. Isolation: The abusive person tries to isolate the victim from outside resources. The types of isolation are no phone, no access to a vehicle, not being able to work outside of the home.
6. Blaming Others: Abusive individuals frequently blame others for their problems and feelings. If the abuser is unemployed, it is because "someone is out to get me", "someone is always doing me wrong". They blame others for their mistakes or for upsetting them.
7. Hypersensitivity: An abuser is easily insulted and claims that his/her feelings are "hurt". They may consider the slightest setbacks as personal attacks and will rant and rave about injustice, even when experiences events such as getting a traffic ticket or being asked to help with chores.
8. Cruelty To Animals Or Children: Abuser may be cruel to animals and insensitive to their pain or suffering. Abusers may expect children to be capable of doing things beyond their ability or he/she may tease children until they cry. Children may not be allowed to eat at the dinner table or leave their rooms when the abuser is home. Studies indicate that 60% of men who beat the women they are with, also beat the children.
9. Use Of Force Of Sex: Some abusers use extreme physical force during sex. He may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the woman is helpless and may find the idea of rape exciting. He shown no concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and uses anger to manipulate her into compliance. He may initiate sex with the woman while she is sleeping or when she is ill.
10. Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are cruel and hurtful, the abuser may degrade the woman by cursing at her or belittling her accomplishments. He may tell her she is stupid and that she can not function without him.
11. Rigid Sex Roles: The abuser expects woman to service him and make the woman stay home. That she must obey in all things, even criminal acts. The abuser sees women as inferior to men, stupid and unable to function out side a relationship.
12. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many women are confused by their abusers sudden change in mood. One minute he is nice and the next minute he is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners.
13. Past Battering: An abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but "they made him/her do it." Relative or ex-spouses may also discuss past abuse. With time a batterer will beat any woman his is with.
14. Threats of Violence: Threats of physical force is used to control the woman, "I will break your neck", "I will kill you", "I will kill our children", "I will harm your family members". Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse the threats by saying "everybody talks like that".
15. Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior is used to punish or terrorize women into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with his fist or throw objects around her. This behavior indicates extreme emotional immaturity. There is great danger when someone thinks he has the right to punish or frighten another person.
16. Force During Arguments: The batterer may hold a woman down, physically restrain her from leaving the room, push or shove her, or hold her against a wall and force her to listen to him.
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